Mothers and fathers like “good” children, “good” has become an important label of the good children, the family has a good baby, mothers and fathers feel that it is a blessing, less worry a lot. But there are also parents to the editor said, obviously when the child is very well behaved children, long and long on the rebellious, naughty children than those children, but also bad discipline.
So today we have to tell you, the child is too “good”, not all good, perhaps, today did not let you worry about, later have to find back. Why do you say that? What’s wrong with a good kid? How to correctly face the child’s “good” and “not good”?
“Good” will please adults, ignoring their true selves!
I remember when I was little, my grandmother took me out to play, and when I passed by the store, she pointed to the candy and asked me, “Do you want some?”
I shook my head and said, “No.”
Satisfied, Grandma said, “This child is the best, never asking for anything.”
From the bottom of my heart, I actually wanted to eat the colorful, sweet and sour candies. It’s just that “understanding” and “good behavior” were the highest praise for children in those days. I knew vaguely from the heart that my “good behavior” would make adults happy, so I suppressed my true feelings to the side of the sensitive me, and tried to make that “good” appearance to make myself pleasing to others.
When I grew up, I became a “good guy” who didn’t know how to reject others and was exhausted. The counselor told me that many children who were good when they were young have more psychological problems when they grow up, because they take satisfying others’ wishes and getting others’ approval as the leading role in their lives, lose the voice of self-expression, ignore their own real needs, and suffer from inner repression.
I still often hear elders say to their children, “If you don’t behave, I won’t like you anymore.” Or “I won’t love you anymore if you don’t behave.” The child blinks and immediately quiets down. Every time I see this, I feel my heart sinking, as if I were seeing myself at a young age. In order to win the favor of adults, they are willing to suppress their true nature. What is the use of this kind of disguised “good” child? This kind of threat is still constantly staged in our educational life.
“Good” children do not know how to express their true emotions
A mother once said, “My child is usually very good, and when he entered kindergarten, he was very smooth, without crying or fussing, but after a week or two, he had problems with hitting and waking up in the middle of the night crying. Why?”
I said bluntly, “Instead of being obedient and well-behaved, your child is insecure. No one wants to go to kindergarten with a normal emotional child. This is because a 3 year old doesn’t understand why they go to kindergarten and thinks that going to kindergarten means they won’t see mom and dad. If your child doesn’t cry or fuss, it means that she feels that she can’t cry or fuss if she wants to be a “good” child in the eyes of your parents. She knows that not crying will make you like her more. In other words, she is suppressing her true feelings. However, a child’s feelings can only be aired out in other ways. Her hitting and waking up in the middle of the night crying after kindergarten are all inner catharsis.”
Whenever I hear parents say things like, “Crying is not a good thing,” or “Boys can’t just cry,” I get angry. Because only a child who knows that his emotions are accepted by his parents can cry successfully. The fact that a child is able to cry in front of you means that he is secure enough in you to know that you will accept his emotions at face value and in their entirety. This kind of unconditional love and nurturing is the foundation for the formation of a healthy personality in a child. Qualified parents will never ask their children to be “good”!
The more “well-behaved” the child, the less independent he or she is.
Why is it that children who were “good” when they were young may excel in school, but it is the children who were naughty when they were young who achieve more in life? The reason is that the more “good” the child is, the more dependent he or she is and the less independent he or she is. The “good” child has too much parental control. Parents expect us to follow a path that can be copied and pasted, and to live a life that everyone agrees is ideal.
The better behaved a child is, the more likely he or she is to be a ‘good’ student who never asks questions, a ‘good’ employee who is subservient, or a ‘mommy’s boy’ who lets his or her mother-in-law take care of him or her emotionally. In this sense, people who have achieved a lot are not “good”.
My child is also a very naughty person who likes to jump around, but I will reasonably express my dissatisfaction, and never threaten to do so by saying, “If you do that again, I won’t like you anymore!” as a threat. Because we don’t love our children for being “good”. We love him for who he is. In the same way, I would want him to make life choices because of his true preferences, not to sacrifice his feelings to please others. I would support my child’s decisions and remind him to take responsibility for his decisions, not “Just be a good boy and live your life according to the people I show you.”
The more “good” a child is, the more likely he or she is to fall behind the times.
When we graduated from college, our parents expected us to become “civil servants”, get an iron rice bowl or go to “monopolized industries such as oil and gas”. However, more than ten years later, those who became civil servants endured the bureaucratic system; those who went to the oil and gas, experienced the oil and gas recession and layoffs. Only those who went to the stalls, e-commerce companies, at that time, let parents worry about the “bad” children, and now seize the opportunity.
In these fast-moving times, “misbehaving” is no longer a positive word!
The most essential point is that this is a “post-metaphorical era”: the times are changing so fast that in many things, it is the generation before us that has to learn from the generation after us, rather than us listening to our fathers. Unfortunately, not many fathers and mothers recognize the limitations of their own vision, and most of them still believe that the next generation should be “good” and take a stable path – the more stable the career, the more at the expense of innovation. The more secure the career, the more creative it is at the expense of creativity. In this day and age, people are moving up the ladder, so there is no such thing as an iron rice bowl. When others are successful and famous, those who listen to their fathers and grandfathers to show the way of the “good” children, only to find that in the age of the need to re-change the career course, and once again painful to adapt to society.
When the streets of Silicon Valley have been filled with driverless cars, when the googleX lab is carrying out 100 ideas that will shock the world, the “good behavior” of Chinese parents means that they are using the life experience of their predecessors to guide the future generation to an unpredictable and unknown life. There are thousands of goals for raising children, and the worst one is to be a “good” child!
Having learned my own lessons, I finally let my child be a healthy and free person who can cry when he wants to, laugh when he wants to, and be free.
This day after dinner, the child took a stacked very strange car to show me, was the window but piled up to the tail, the front but upside down in the body, Grandma looked at it frowned, “car which looks like this. Come on, Grandma will help you get it right according to the picture.” The child refused to listen and continued to pile functional parts onto the body of the car that adults couldn’t understand. I laughed. The car was not stacked correctly, but this ugly looking little car, in this era of exponential change in innovation, just like the innovative ideas of googleX labs, will surely lead to a future that is beyond the comprehension of our generation.
Kid, you can be the angry kid, the real kid, the kid who goes his own way, only, don’t be a good kid!
